The Rise and Fall of
Steven Sylvain
(an excerpt from the novel tentatively
titled Torture the Artist)
by
Joey Goebel
Steven Sylvain was born unto the public eye in the romantic
comedy, Love From the Heart, a sleeper hit. Shirtless in every
scene, Sylvain quickly captured the attention of the female
demographic with his lean, well-built body, ruggedly handsome
face, and cool, brooding manner. He had secured this role after
catching the eye of a casting director who saw him squat-thrusting
at a Los Angeles gym. At the time, the twenty-nine-year-old
Sylvain worked at the gym and went by the name Steve Jablonski.
His small but sexy role in Love From the Heart led to a string
of increasingly larger acting jobs. He played one of many heroes
in the ensemble disaster piece Catastrophica. Touted as the
ultimate disaster film, Catastrophica featured such cataclysmic
forces as earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, floods,
and fires, all of which occur simultaneously in New York City
after a meteor shower bombards the Atlantic Ocean. One of many
Christ figures in the film, Sylvain’s character, Johnny,
sacrifices his body to save New York from a fire tornado. The
film pulverized box office records.
With his fame steadily rising, Sylvain earned his first co-starring
role in the psychosexual cop thriller Circumstantial Decency.
A thirty-four-year-old playing a twenty-something rookie cop,
Sylvain was paired with established actor Kurt Russell. Russell
played the callous but wise veteran cop who mentors his young
partner in the ways of the law, love, and life. An embarrassing
failure at the box office, Circumstantial Decency at least served
as a catalyst for Sylvain to meet Bob Kuntzweiller, the head
of Dead Line Pictures (a USI/ Life-Turner company).
Following the orders of Foster Lipowitz, Kuntzweiller chose
Sylvain for the lead in Blood Lust, his first starring role.
With Blood Lust, Sylvain became a bona fide action hero, idolized
by men and women alike. As Johnny Lane, the vigilante cop with
nothing to lose, Sylvain used Blood Lust as a showcase for his
athleticism, martial arts skills, and his ability to play a
tough but likable everyman. Massive audiences cheered on Johnny
in every fight scene as they waited for those oft-quoted one-liners
that preceded a punch, kick, gunshot, or bomb detonation.
“You were just a rough draft. Consider yourself proofread.”
(BANG!)
By the time the first Blood Lust hit theaters, Sylvain’s
real-life reputation as a Hollywood bad boy was well established.
Notorious for reckless partying, paparazzi brawls, and countless
affairs with fellow celebrities, Sylvain was a one-man marketing
department constantly generating hype for himself. Furthermore,
his new riches allowed him to turn his old cocaine habit into
a lifestyle, and he was in and out of rehab as much as he was
in and out of his female co-stars.
“Hey, hey, hey, bombs away.” (KABOOM!)
After three more Blood Lusts and Love From the Heart 2: Lost
in London, Sylvain played the lead in the World War II picture
From Sea to Shining Sea and for the first time enjoyed critical
praise for his portrayal of morphine-addicted Sergeant Jack
Slate. Then after a lengthy stay in rehab, Sylvain reluctantly
signed on for the fifth and final installment of Blood Lust.
The filming of this movie, Blood Lust 5: Last Rights, was cancelled
after an on-set freak accident left Sylvain partially mutilated.
“There are no options.” (RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT!)
The accident occurred in a scene that involved Johnny and his
female lead having sex on a moving moped zipping through an
exploding dynamite factory. It was a Blood Lust trademark to
have Johnny fornicate with the female lead in the midst of a
chaotic action sequence. Always a proud man, Sylvain insisted
on doing his own stunts, especially when these stunts were during
sex scenes.
“I get off on this shit!” (KAPOW!)
The moped accident and the multiple explosions that followed
left the right side of Sylvain’s body charred and shredded.
The tabloid rumors of him losing his penis were false, though
the less told rumor of him losing his right leg was true. After
the accident, Sylvain lost the starring role for a movie based
on Welcome Back, Kotter, a role which he had been promised.
And though his prosthetic leg looked normal in a pair of pants
and his scars weren’t visible under a shirt, the scripts
abruptly stopped coming to Sylvain’s agent. Then Sylvain’s
agent abruptly stopped calling. At forty-one, Steven Sylvain’s
career was over.
This fact was made achingly clear when Sylvain was not invited
to be in Catastrophica 2: Genesis. This would make sense because
his character died in the first Catastrophica. However, Catastrophica
2 was a prequel.
“Toodle-loo, mo-fo’s.” (KRRBANG!)
....
visit:
www.joeygoebel.com
Read The Surrealist
Party - by Joey Goebel
Joey Goebel is from
Henderson, KY. He is the author of The Anomolies and sings for
the band The Novembrists. He was also the lead singer of the
former band The Mullets. He has a bachelor's degree in English
from Brescia College in Owensboro, Ky.
