Soviet
Board Games Repackaged by the Western Bourgeois
Justin Kahn
SOVIET GAME: “Fields”
(Repackaged in the West as “Monopoly”)
OBJECTIVE: To make it through the game without
harming any one, while providing for your loved ones.
PLAY: Players take turns rolling dice and moving
the corresponding number of squares. If you land on a Wheat
Square and you are hungry than you may partake. If some one
you care for is hungry than he or she may eat. If you and yours
are satisfied you pass the dice on.
WESTERNIZATION: Parker Brothers took the basic
concept, plowed the fields and encouraged massive construction
despite the existence of not more than a handful of players.
And so Monopoly was released.
SOVIET GAME: “Fishing”
(Repackaged in the West as “Battleship”)
OBJECTIVE: To encourage a feeling of brotherhood
amongst comrades and sense of pride in the waters of the Fatherland.
PLAY: Each player sets his Boat somewhere on the
board. Your opponent places Fish surrounding your boat. The
winner is the boater who is able to place the maximum number
of fish in the boat. The loser, who possess less fish, should
yell, “Enjoy the Fish!” Players should take turns
being the loser, so as to encourage both the strong sense of
being provided for and a sense of humility.
WESTERNIZATION: Milton Bradley took the basic
concept of “Fishing” partitioned off the board and
loaded up each boat with enough firepower to destroy themselves
a hundred times over. The loser is supposed to declare, “You
sunk my battleship.”
SOVIET GAME: “Axis and Allies”
(Repackaged in the West as “Axis and Allies”)
OBJECTIVE: To capture enough enemy territory
and be declared victor.
PLAY: Each country is given a turn to make economic and strategic
decisions. A role of the dice determines the success of decisions.
The map is rearranged based on the outcome.
WESTERNIZATION: Ditto.
SOVIET GAME: “Triage”
(Repackaged in the West as “Operation”)
OBJECTIVE: To be the first player to accept the
loss of a patient.
PLAY: The only equipment is a board with a very,
very unhealthy man on it. Players take turns deciding if this
one person is worth the resources of the collective.
WESTERNIZATION: Encouraging a specialization on
the part of the doctor and an unhealthy attachment to the individual
in the form of a patient, Milton Bradley took the basic concept
of ‘Triage’ and turned it into a game of skill,
where the object is to save the patient.
SOVIET GAME: “Escape the Police!”
(Repackaged in the West as “Chutes and Ladders”)
OBJECTIVE: To escape the police and allow players
to learn the highly arbitrary factors which will affect you
and your loved ones, when trying to save your own skin.
PLAY: Each player spins the spinner and moves
a corresponding number of squares. If you land on a trap door
you must follow the trap to the square below. If you land on
a square with an escape rope, you must climb to safety, even
if it means leaving your friends behind. If you land on a square
where there is neither trapdoor nor escape rope your turn is
over. Unless you are able to rip the spinner away from one of
the other players. The person who makes it to the last square--Freedom--
is the winner. The remaining players did not survive and are
losers.
WESTERNIZATION: In an effort to further delay
the age at which children become adults, Milton Bradley decided
that kids age 4-7 aren’t ready to deal with life in a
police state. Trap doors are replaced with ‘Chutes’
and escape ropes are replaced with ‘Ladders’, providing
kids with a context to go up and down the board for no apparent
reason. Way to go Milton Bradley.
....
Justin Kahn's work has
appeared in Mcsweeney's, opiummagazine, uber, and some other
places. Or so he tells us.
