Death's
Drumroll, in soft juicy loins
Kevin
O'Cuinn
We were coming down some big old highway just
after
two a.m. and hadn't spoken in a while. Then, sure
thing Babe, I'll drive, you could do with a rest. We
switched just outside Phoenix.
Just so long as the fox stays in the back.
Whaddaya mean the fox stays in the back? Said
Fox.
Buddy, we're doing you a favor, okay? I don't
think
you should question the seating arrangements.
We picked him up in Rio Rancho after a feast of
fajitas. There he was at the side of the road, all
shivering and lonesome.
I'm not sure Babe, these guys have a lousy reputation.
Oh, come on Hon, so did you till I taught you how to
treat a lady.
Point taken, I said no more. I'd become the strong
silent type since me and Babe had started down that
road to co-dependency.
The shades did little to hide the fact that this
was
one stoned fox. Sir, sir, I'd prefer if you didn't
smoke that in here, sir? He dropped it out the window
and, I thought, dozed off to sleep. A while later,
thinking he was talking in his sleep or having bad
dreams, I said you okay Fox? Fox? He raised his
voice and I recognized the tune from way back when:
'It took a lost weekend in a hotel in Amsterdam
Double pneumonia in a single room,
And the sickest joke, was the price of the medicine.
Are you laughing at me now, may I please laugh along,
with you?'
And, you two wouldn't mind if I practiced a couple
of
chords, huh? Before I could inquire further, he'd
pulled a lead electric from his hold-all, and launched
into an old Charley Sexton number, from when Charley
was still a kid:
'Romeo and Juliet, Louis and Miss Antoinette
Impressed, I am not impressed'
Strong words, Fox. What are you running that amp
on?
'I love you the best.
They're just a bunch of losers, a pack of fools.'
A little old solar device I picked up in Santa
Fe.
Had quite a business going there for a while. The
Federal Initiative for Alternative Energy.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
What's that all about?
Wean the American people off fossil fuels, keep
the
pussies in Kyoto happy. As long as you harness the
juice from Mutha Nature, the Powers That Be are
obliged by federal law to purchase your each and every
kilowatt, at 50cents a pop. Beautiful. You know how
the sun likes to shine in New Mexico. Problem was,
said Fox, suddenly sounding melancholic and switching
to Blues Scale B, I didn't have the capital to get my
paws on enough solar panels to make a living.
Bummer.
Yeah, sure was. You want a hit of this?
Then I realized the county was only charging 12cents
a
pop for electricity coming into my trailer. QED. It
was one of those moments I've heard about, but didn't
really believe existed. A moment of clarity that
changes a life. It took me 11 minutes to hook up a
transformer that carried county juice to my solar
operation, and back to the county. Buying at 12,
selling at 50. Don't you just love this country?
But, but ... that's immoral, Fox!
Sure is.
And, and illegal!
Oh, yeah.
Now, me and Hon are what you might call middle
class,
the backbone of this great country of ours. We're
God-fearers and church-goers, and we don't approve of
foxes taking tax-payers for a ride.
You're a criminal, why are we giving this fox
a ride,
Babe?
Because it's the ...
The?
Fuck, I don't know. You know, the.
Ohhhhh, you mean the.
Yeah.
Then I guess it's okay.
Well, continued Fox, it was a case of make a buck, or
go back to the hills. And you know how that is. They
knew all the time of course, the Feds. They know,
it's their business, and they're good at what they do,
knowing.
So, what happened?
They came through the door, six of them, one Thursday
in June. Hauled me off by my the hair on my chinny,
chin chin.
Chin? Don't you mean brush, tail maybe?
The interrogations, 72 straight hours ... of hell.
People don't realize.
Eh, people don't realize what, Fox?
That to defend the constitution, the Powers That
Be
use means 'n' methods which are outside the
constitution.
And?
Well, it's illegal to begin with. Shit, I had
to hire
Johnny Cochrane to get my ass outa stir. You know he
uses a new gold toothpick every day? Not like a
freshly washed one, no, a new one. Been on the road
ever since, decided that the life of the traveling
troubadour is the best way to avoid lawyer's fees. Do
people still say 'stir?' Only I haven't heard it in so
long.
(a little later)
You guys going to procreate, down the road?
Now hold on one damn second Fox, that's taking
it too
far!
I was just wondering, what with you being cougar
and
your old lady being wolf, how does that work? Is it
even allowed? No way can you do that in Texas.
That's enough of that kind of talk, Fox. If you're
going to continue along these lines I'll have to ask
you to leave.
I'll have to ask you to leave, I'll have to
ask you
to leave, reiterated Fox, in a squeaky poor imitation
of me. Then - salt in the wound, what'll the
offspring look like, how weird is that gonna be?
Okay, you're out of here. I slammed on the brakes.
Damn you, Fox! Now look what you gone and done. Dry
your eyes Babe, he's not worth it. Outa the car, Fox.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend, I take it
back.
Okay?
Okay? Said Fox, again. I'm really sorry. My mouth
got the better of me. And his voice quivering like
the wind.
I turned and looked at Babe, and thought ... well,
I'm not rightly sure what I thought. Truth be told,
we had been having a couple of difficulties .....
I'm okay Hon, she said. Come on now, let's get
the
road behind us. I'm sure our guest will behave from
here on in.
So on we drove, in silence, me and Babe, and Fox.
Hey, anyone hungry, how about some food? Said
Fox,
after an hour without a word. How's about we three
furry friends pull over somewhere and hunt down a
little mutton? Or a couple of lambs maybe? Whaddaya
say? Come on. No hard feelings? You know you want
to. It's the nature of the beast.
You know Fox, said Babe, cleaning her snout, that's
the brightest thing you've said all night. And
turning to me, Hon, let's get us some fresh meat.
Damn, I thought pulling over beside a field, and
kicking off my shoes, if it's not sex, it's death. Is
there nothing between?
....
Kevin hails from Cill
Bharrog, an enchanted forest on the banks of Lake Blarney. On
clear days you can see the Hill of Howth. His ancestors were
High Kings at Tara.
